I don't want to die a virgin!
by reader713
Summary: Naruto decides that with the Fourth Shinobi War coming he doesn't want to die a virgin. Neither do a lot of other people. "Sakura-chan! I don't want to die a virgin!" "You don't understand, Shikamaru and I HAVE to get married." "Ino, how are you planning on having a bachelorette party?" Let's hope that everything goes smoothly. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW (no flames, please?) REVIEW!


Author's Note: I don't own Naruto. I came up with the idea of Naruto and his friends not wanting to die virgins after reading another fanfiction (The Calm Before the Storm, Harry Potter, loralee1) where Harry (the protagonist) and his friends had the same idea. I then went with it.

Please note that if you don't like my story you don't have to read it. I'm not forcing you and I'd rather not get reviews stating how you don't like/disagree with my story. On the other hand, if you do like my story I'd love to get a review! The more reviews I get the more I want to post more stories and I have plenty of ideas!

READ! REVIEW! (ENJOY!)

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In the end, everything that happened was pretty much Naruto's fault. Faced with the realization that the Fourth Shinobi War could result in the death of him and his friends, coupled with the fact that his crush and teammate Sakura Haruno was present he decided to make one very important request of his teammate.

"SAKURA-CHAN! I DON'T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN! CAN YOU HELP ME FIX THAT?"

"NARUTO!"

Sakura's 'reply' consisted on punching him so hard he landed about five miles outside the camp.

While Naruto was recovering at the medical base, a number of his friends decided to visit. Loopy due to his pain medication, Naruto tended to tell everyone about what he'd asked Sakura that had resulted in him needing medical attention. To Sakura's obvious despair (and despite her frantic research) there was no cure for stupidity.

Killer B stopped by to visit his 'blond bro', listened to Naruto's drugged rambling and wrote a rap song on the 'ill-fated romance' with a bit of embellishments. The resulting song made everyone believe that there were wild orgies going on at the Medical Camp.

The first time a patient asked Shizune for the 'miracle cure' (basically sex) she disabled his vocal chords and dislocated his shoulder due to the 'shock' (she then returned to her office and had a quiet panic attack).

Anyways, most of the Konoha 11 (in particular the remaining members of the Rookie 9) found themselves agreeing with Naruto in that they didn't want to die a virgin (or die at all, but losing their virginity wouldn't be that bad).

To Kiba's complete horror, Shino lost his virginity to Kiba's older _sister_ Hana Inuzuka (with plans that they'd continue their relationship if neither one of them died during the war). Once he got over his horror (with generous amounts of alcohol) Kiba decided that since Shino had had very little trouble it would be all too easy for Kiba to lose his virginity. The first girl he asked thought it was a joked and laughed hysterically, the second girl's boyfriend took offense, the third girl was the one to be offended by his question, the fourth…you see how it went. It didn't make things easier in that Akamaru was more popular during the female shinobi than he was (they liked the dog…just not the owner).

Hinata tried to ask Naruto if he wanted her 'assistance' in his 'mission', but he misunderstood and started bouncing ideas over how to 'win Sakura-chan' off of her. Rather depressed, Hinata decided to go to the bar that some enterprising soul was running out of a tent. Since she rarely drank alcohol she got drunk rather quickly and ended up talking for most of the evening with Chouji Akimichi (who had been dragged there along with Shikamaru by Ino). Chouji was rather unhappy too since he doubted that anyone would be interested in him. The two ended up waking up in bed together (fully clothed) and while they struggled through their hangover together they realized that they were more similar than they believed…and so started to date.

Meanwhile, for Ino and Shikamaru (who Chouji pretty much abandoned at the bar), Ino succeeded in seducing her lazy teammate, as she had no problem bragging to a rather confused Sakura. Sakura, not suffering a hangover like her self-proclaimed best friend was…noted how Shikamaru looked surprisingly smug for someone who had had to be 'forced' the previous evening, remarkably not hungover for someone who was so wasted Ino had needed to drag him from the bar…and Chouji did not look surprised at all.

Naruto, stuck in his hospital bed, didn't really get what was going on.

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Tsunade rather hoped that the hype of 'I don't want to die a virgin' had died a quick death. It had even hit the shinobi of other villages (in particular thanks to Kiba) and it was somewhat uncomfortable for her to look at her fellow Kages. Naturally all of them were pleased about the upcoming baby boom, but they could have done without the complete destruction of the reputation of the medics.

Then she was visited by an absolutely furious Yamanaka Inoichi who seemed really intent on killing his longtime friend and teammate Nara Shikaku. When she made it out of the mess, she received the invitation to Ino and Shikamaru's wedding.

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Sakura gaped at Ino "you and Shikamaru are getting married? That's wonderful, but, isn't this…? Are you sure? You haven't been together for very long."

Ino scowled "we have to get married" she admitted almost sheepishly.

"I get it, but wouldn't it better to wait? The war is going well, we might-…"

"No!" Ino protested "you don't understand, we _have_ to get married!"

"Your father is that angry over you and Shikamaru having pre-marital sex? I'm sure that if y-…" Sakura's voice trailed off as she realized that Ino had placed her hands over her stomach and was giving her a meaningful look.

"SAKURA!" Ino screamed as Sakura's eyes rolled back and she hit the ground.

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"Wouldn't it make more sense to have Hinata be matron of honor?" Sakura asked once she came to and Ino managed to make her request "since she and Chouji are dating?"

"I know" Ino said, waving a hand "but I already talked it over with Hinata. You're my best friend and she's fine with helping Chouji instead. Besides, I want a bachelorette party" she announced, looking stubborn "Tsunade agreed to marry us, but I want to have a ceremony. So you'll have to bring a date since Chouji is going with Hinata."

"A date?" Sakura squawked "why?"

"Chouji is dating Hinata; Shino seems to be dating Hana, Kiba's older sister. Even Naruto is bringing someone, he said that future Hokage's don't go to weddings single. I guess you could go with Kiba…"

Sakura made a face "I'll find a date" she announced firmly "at the very worst I could drag Kakashi-sensei along."

"They'll just start spreading rumors that you're sleeping with him. You know that that started when you two started having lunch after you made chuunin. Tsunade believed them and sent him to the hospital."

Sakura rolled her eyes "Kakashi-sensi was just checking up on me" she protested "he hadn't done it earlier because he thought I would be mad for him" she made a face "well, I was, since he ditched me after Naruto left, but he explained that he had been sent on an S-class solo mission with no warning."

Ino rolled her eyes. Personally, she blamed Sakura and Kakashi's '(platonic) lunch dates' for why Sakura hadn't had a boyfriend yet. The guys Ino kept approaching, hoping to set up Sakura for a blind date, kept on believing that Sakura was sleeping with her old jounin sensei. They weren't, Ino had even practiced her interrogation techniques on Kakashi to ensure that the relationship was purely platonic (which it was). Ibiki and Inoichi had supervised the procedure to ensure that Ino received a truthful answer.

"Sa-ku-ra" Ino pouted "you need a boyfriend. You can't bring a stand-in to my wedding."

"It's my life" Sakura grumbled.

"It's _my_ wedding!" Ino protested "do you want to die a virgin or something?"

Sakura scowled at her "do you know how much problem that little issue has caused?" she demanded, furious "we're _out_ of contraceptives! I've been having to hold lectures in which I show medical jutsus to prevent pregnancy that people can use" she looked meaningfully at Ino's stomach.

Ino waved a hand lazily, trying to keep from blushing "Shika was drunk" she explained "and it never occurred to me. I was on the pill."

Sakura decided not to let slip that from what she'd overheard, Shikamaru had excellent alcohol tolerance (Tsunade had mentioned it, supposedly he'd inherited it from his father).

Besides, Sakura was pretty sure that Shikamaru would have thought to learn some of the various jutsus that dealt with the effects of alcohol. Sakura had, which was one of the reasons why she didn't like drinking much, there wasn't much point if she was getting rid of the side-effects.

"_My_ wedding!" Ino repeated loudly, pointing imperiously at Sakura "bring a date, a real one, not a pity date! Oh, and I'm having a bachelorette party, attendance is mandatory for you."

Sakura squawked "how?" she demanded.

Ino scowled "I'll think of something" she muttered.

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In the end, Ino somehow managed to get Kiba and Naruto to agree to fill the position of strippers. Sakura, unwilling to get drink while in the middle of a War, did not enjoy the show.

The two were extremely enthusiastic (and fit thanks to their career as shinobi), but Sakura would have preferred that they kept their clothes on. Neither male seemed sure about what to do when stripping (as far as Sakura could tell with her little experience from when Ino dragged her to strip clubs in Konoha), but Kiba seemed to enjoy striking poses in front of the audience of mostly tipsy women. Sakura supposed that Kiba was hoping that one of the women would be drunk enough she'd agree to go with him to the wedding (or date him). Naruto, Sakura was well aware, was extremely easy to bribe, you could even accomplish it with microwaveable ramen (it was really cheap to bribe him).

Anyways, Sakura attended, watched, took notes (for later blackmail), and drank water before fleeing as soon as it was safe. She returned to her tent and slept the sleep of the just. Or rather the sober, she was well aware the Tenten spent most of the night being sick. Hana showed up for a check-up worried that she was suffering from morning sickness when she was actually recovering from her hangover (and not pregnant).

The only one who had remained sober, Sakura was forced to put up with receiving the evil eye the next day.

Since the bachelor party had been the same night (the Kiba and Naruto stripping for the bachelorette party had actually been clones), most of Sakura's male acquaintances were also hungover or suffering from sleep deprivation (Neji had ended up caring for both Lee and Tenten during the night as they were sick). Sometime after Sakura had left, the two parties had ended up merging into one.

Sakura ended up not having a nice day the day after the bachelorette party and bachelor party (neither did many of her friends). The Konoha shinobi reputation also plummeted, but a few of the foreign nins were impressed at their ability to operate when suffering from hangovers (of course a few foreign nins had joined the party, such as Temari and Kankurou who Gaara had carried away from the merged party in his sand and not been sympathetic at all the next day when they suffered from hangovers).

So Sakura ended up having to avoid a number of her friends (especially since Ino really wanted to know if Sakura had managed to acquire a date yet).

Doing her best to hide from her friends, Sakura was forced (not really) to mingle with foreign shinobi (though she avoided Sand since Kankurou and Temari were still recovering and Gaara was not pleased at all that his siblings spent most of their time lying around moaning).

It was almost by accident that she met him…it did not go well. Shi was a sensor and a medic, advisor and bodyguard of the Raikage, teammate of Darui. He had been meeting with his superior Ao (head of the Sensor Squad) and had agreed to deliver a message to Shizune (who was in charge of the medics). He had entered Sakura's office-tent, figured that since she was a Konoha shinobi she would know who Shizune was (allowing him to leave earlier). Sakura misunderstood and believed that he was yet another shinobi seeking a lesson on pregnancy prevention techniques.

It did not go well.

It would have ended badly except Killer B and Naruto showed up. Killer B had managed to talk a number of shinobi into agreeing to a rap-off while Naruto had agreed to be one of the judges. Sakura, hearing Naruto's approach had thrown herself behind a table, joined a second later by Shi. They hid there as the two passed by, loudly discussing who could be the other judges (Shi and Sakura's names were tossed around).

Shi and Sakura came to an unspoken agreement to hide out for the next few days. Shi used his sensor abilities to enable them to avoid the duo while Sakura used her friends if they could not avoid the duo. Ino, for example, had no problem complaining loudly about her pregnancy issues, something which always succeeded in scaring off Naruto and Killer B.

Since the two spent a lot of time together (avoiding Naruto and Killer B, though only a few knew that), rumors spread about their (true) relationship. Kakashi's questions were satisfied about a short midnight visit when he crept into Shi's tent to interrogate him (Shi believed it was a dream until he a few days later when the dog that had been stalking him admitting to it being a summon of Kakashi and charged with ensuring that Shi and Sakura's relationship was purely platonic…after Sakura and Kakashi had a short 'discussion' the dog stopped following him).

Ino was one of the few who knew that Sakura and Shi were not dating, having questioned Sakura (received a negative answer) and then proceeded to stalk them to make sure Sakura wasn't lying.

It was actually thanks to Ino that Shi decided to do Sakura a favor (he hadn't thought too highly of the blond since she interrogated him about Sakura) when Ino dragged Sakura out for lunch and then yelled after Sakura to make sure that she had a date to the wedding.

Shi inquired, and upon realizing that Sakura didn't have a date, offered to accompany her so that she wouldn't be forced to go with Kiba or Naruto (both of whom were trying and failing to get a girl to agree).

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The wedding went well, the bride was beautiful and the groom handsome, the bride didn't look pregnant and the groom didn't look bored.

Naturally, the father of the bride was furious; and not very forgiving based on the way that he gave the father of the groom the evil eye. The father of the best man decided to sit as far as possible from the fathers of the newly married couple (Inoichi didn't notice but Shikaku called Chouza a traitor and coward).

Chouji escorted Hinata there, and he stayed at her side when he wasn't needed (and was completely oblivious to Inoichi and Shikaku's situation). Chouji took notes and had a rather dazed expression while he watched the wedding…clearly imaging him and Hinata in Shikamaru and Ino's positions. Shino escorted Hana and they held hands during the entire ceremony. Kiba and Naruto ended up arriving with each other…and dateless. Kiba had tried to talk Naruto into using his sexy jutsu so he could 'fill in' as Kiba's date…which resulted in the two males fighting over which would be the girl; in the end they failed to come to a decision and attended the wedding as two dateless males (their heterosexuality obvious since they both hit on the single female guests).

Sakura arrived accompanied by her 'new friend' Shi, Ino gave her a thumbs' up when she noted that the seat next to Sakura was in fact occupied. Sakura pretended that she hadn't noticed the gesture. Shi acknowledged her congratulations with a nod.

The wedding went well, a number of the couples in the audience taking notes (a few planning on marrying sooner rather than later). There was alcohol aplenty and many people woke up in beds not their own or with people they hadn't expected (such as Naruto and Kiba, who woke up fully clothed but cuddling against each other outside of a tent…it was rather traumatic for them).

Tsunade wiped her hands clean of the mess and declared the matter closed (especially since now most of the individuals preferring to lose their virginity before they die already had…rendering the matter moot).

Now they could focus on winning the war not losing their virginity.

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The war had been over for about two months and things were just starting to get back to normal, almost.

"Repeat that."

"Um, Tsunade-shishou" Sakura gave her a strained smile "I'm getting married…and could I have a transfer to Kumo?"

Luckily Gaara, who had been invited to the wedding, had no problem presiding due to the Hokage being too busy trying to kill the Raikage (and the Raikage trying to defend himself without killing the Hokage) to perform the ceremony.

Naruto's first act as Hokage was to attempt to declare war on Kumo. I say attempt because his idea was immediately rejected. He also ended up cancelling the plan as well when he remembered that Sakura was living in Kumo part of the year (she had retired from active duties and now switched between the two villages' hospitals)…and also because he'd just been asked if he was okay with possibly being godfather.

Naturally he was delighted.

When asked why Naruto might be offered the position, the answer was simple: they would have never gotten together if they hadn't gotten drunk at Ino and Shikamaru's wedding, and the wedding would have not occurred if Naruto hadn't announced to the world (aka camp) that he didn't want to die a virgin which resulted in Ino's pregnancy and the shotgun wedding.

Naruto (still a virgin), while liking the idea of being godfather kinda wished that he wasn't. Sakura, when drunkenly offered to 'leave that bastard and run away with' Naruto, punched him so hard that when he roused from his drunken unconscious stupor he wondered when he'd arrived in Stone.

To further punish Naruto, Sakura and Shi ended up asking Darui to be godfather.


End file.
